There was a long period of my life where things were very routine and dependable. Life had a lovely cadence: coffee in the morning with hubby, kids to school by 9, run on the beach afterward, grocery shopping at the farmers market, school board meeting, dinner at six. Church was on Sunday. Friends came once a month for game night. In-laws every other year for Christmas. There were 3 gorgeous kids, a husband, roses in the garden, a picket fence, and Suburban in the driveway. It went on like that for about 15 years.
Then the worst-case scenario hit.
Before my worst-case scenario, I had one, invisible directive running me: To stay safe and good.
Stay safe and warm and clean and dry and good. It was actually a lovely way to live. I do not regret one moment of that life, nor do I think I’m living a better and more “evolved” life now that I’m on the other side of my worst-case scenario.
But back then, I had no idea what I was made of.
I thought I couldn’t work full-time and still be an attentive, loving mom. I didn’t think that I, personally, had what it takes to pull that off.
I thought that marriage had rescued me from being alone.
I thought my life choices were either in God’s plan, or an expression of rebelliousness. I had no understanding of how deep, and wide, and intense God’s love was and how excited He was for me just to start making some plans- any plans- instead of being paralyzed by fear.
I thought my most valued skill-set was to be a good wife and mom. I didn’t think that I could find work I love and serve the world with it every single day. I thought I needed a college degree for that.
I thought that I wasn’t smart enough or brave enough to take care of business when shit hit the fan.
I didn’t think that, if everything I knew about my life to be true and constant, stopped being true and constant, I could survive it.
Having a worst-case scenario liberates you. You get to see what you’re made of. And trust me, you are more loving, and precious, and beautiful, and bad ass, and resilient, and creative, and tender, and strong than you could ever imagine. I know I was.
Cheek to cheek,
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